For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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