So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
