I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
