just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
