she woke up with a sticky ear
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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