Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
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she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
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We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that