I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.