I cannot find my penis.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
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Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me