I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson