Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
