I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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