He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Alive.
So much puke
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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