So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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