3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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