How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
