if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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