I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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