You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
tell me about the fingering
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
