New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I would ride that face into the sunset
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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