i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
