why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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