I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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