I just cut my nipple shaving
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
