please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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