My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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