i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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