you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
