I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
