At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
