Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
