I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
