its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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