i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
