Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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