saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
