I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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