I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
