he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
