Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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