I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I have fence marks all over my body
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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