I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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