you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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