my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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