I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
