Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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