Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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