so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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