Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
