I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
