Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
