My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
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Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
why is half of my head shaved?
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