did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
