well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
