So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
