The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
