If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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