Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
