I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
