I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
