I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
