did you get engaged???
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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